Borrowing From the Past

I often go for walks to clear my head, to gain perspective. Sometimes I just walk to walk, to be mindful in a moment, without the action lending itself to the whims of a distant goal. Being just to be. Perhaps this is my form of meditation. Since the accident, I go for lots of walks. I have to say that it is an interesting experience to be indifferent to life, then, by the inadvertent actions of a complete stranger, almost having it end. It was strange (the faithful might say miraculous) that I was not killed, and even stranger still that I was not hurt. Everything moved in slow motion, as if I was outside of my body, observing the chain of events that should have been the end of me. The papers wrote about the Miracle Man who cheated death without even trying. I did many interviews, but no reporter ever liked what they perceived to be apathy or what I had to say, so they simply edited my words in text so that they could get a good story out of me. They wanted me to say that I had some higher purpose here, that God spared me for something great. If everyone is special, no one is special. Almost every person who survives something awful, and even homeless people who beg for money at stop lights, always attribute the smallest fortunes to God. That's great and all – I mean, to each their own, but if I were starving on the streets or was the sole survivor of a plane crash, I would not think that God was blessing me. That's less of a take on religion and more of a take on the perception of fortune. I did what I imagine every person who goes through a near death experience does; I told myself that I would live my life to the fullest, go on adventures, fall in and out of love, see the world, you name it. The problem is that I am not financially well off, and it was rather hard for people to fully get where my (calm) excitement came from, especially if they had not also had a near death experience. Why do I want to do all those things? Why the hell not? They should have groups for people like that. I did go on a couple of adventures by myself, but as bad as it is to admit, I know I would have had a better time with company – someone to nudge in the arm and say “isn't this great!” Most of my friends dropped off after the accident, probably on account of my introspection – I get lost in thought more than ever these days. Somewhere along the way, I lost my ability to relate. When my money ran out, I took any odd job I could find. For a while, I worked two jobs and made a good deal of money, but I was always too tired to do anything, so I decided to work one job and fill my time with my (free) interests. Still, I love to go for walks. I walked past an antique shop the other day. While I am not too attached to things, I do find items interesting, the older the better. I'm more interested in the history of the thing than the thing itself. Anyway, as I explored the place, I noticed that the elevator had a fourth button above the first three (which indicated floors), but that it was blank. Of course I pressed it. The fourth floor was pretty much just used for storage. There was an old toilet, a huge Gumby doll, an antique wheelchair, some mannequins, and various other things that I guess they didn't have room for on the lower floors. As I rounded one corner, I came upon a very lifelike mannequin of a clown riding a unicycle. Though it was a clown, I found a sort of sadness in it. Maybe some people become clowns and comedians as an attempt to fight sadness. If laughter is the best medicine, comedians perhaps seek to self medicate. I took out my camera and snapped a few photos. 

I plan to visit the fourth floor more often. While my days might lack the standard definition of excitement, they are good. I think people too often find themselves unhappy because unlike their fantasies, life is not full of constant stimuli, adventure, and drama. I think there's something special in learning to find joy in the moment, contentment in the everyday. Maybe that's what it means to be The Miracle Man. 

-The Wolf